Oh, My Pork!
by Shocky
Summary: Theory-fic. What exactly went on in the world between the events of Earthbound and Mother 3? More importantly... What IS Pokey's role in it all?
1. King of the Pigs

_Something about the way their laughter echoed across the hills made the outskirts of Onett even more ideal to the children. Every so often they would become distracted from whatever game they were playing and would start throwing their voices around, seeing who could bellow loudest and longest._

Eventually one of them had decided that shouting from atop the treehouse was more effective than shouting out the window. Even on a day such as this, when the wood was still damp and slippery from a recent rainfall, the group bounced around excitedly on the roof.

The youngest boy cupped his hands around his mouth and hollered, "boys ruuule and girls droool!" The others fell silent and waited.

"Two echoes... and a 'shut up' from Mr. Jenkins." Ness counted on his fingers, and nodded. "Ten points for Tim!"

The boy grinned triumphantly, but a chubby hand pushed him out of the way. Pokey Minch made a show of tugging the straps of his overalls, in what he imagined to be a tough-guy thing to do.

"I can do better."

One of the boys sneered at him. "You can't even talk normal without losing your breath, Porky!"

Pokey wrinkled his nose. "'Cause I've been savin' all my breath for this, stupid-head. Shove over."

He took a few labourous breaths, moving to the edge of the roof. "Here goes..." He cleared his throat and threw his head back; his voice was surprisingly strong.

"I'm the king of Onett!"

He shifted his weight from foot to foot, unknowingly setting one of his feet into a particularly wet spot. He slipped and tumbled off the treehouse, plummeting into a mud puddle below.

Tim peered down at Pokey, a self-satisfied smirk on his face. "More like king of the pigs!" Most of the others laughed at this. Ness, however, was too concerned with getting down to ground level.

"Pokey! Are you okay?"

The blond ignored Ness, and instead lobbed a handful of mud up at the treehouse. It hit the bottom of the tree trunk, provoking more laughter.

"Nah, he didn't fall far enough to break nothin'. Plus all his fat woulda padded it."

Ness glanced over his shoulder helplessly. "You guys, you're being really mean. Cut it out."

"Aw, jeez. You sound like one o'them TV programs that's all, 'bullying is bad.'"

"Well, it is."

The boys rolled their eyes. Tim swung down from the roof and grabbed the rope ladder in one smooth movement. "'Kay. We're sorry, right guys?"  
_  
"Right."_

"Let's all get some hamburgers! They make everyone feel better. I just got my allowance so I can pay."

A loud cheer resounded through the air. Ness grinned at Pokey and held a hand out, only to have it slapped away.

"I don't wanna hang out with you losers anymore!"

Tim put his hands on his hips and huffed. "No point tryin' to be nice to him! Come on, Ness."

Ness sighed and wiped his hand on his denim shorts. "I'll bring you back something, okay?"

Pokey made no response. He watched the group leave, and only when they were out of sight did he give them the satisfaction of crying.

That had been five years ago. Things had changed since then.

Pokey had learned alternatives to crying or bottling up his anger. He had learned that hate was not such a bad thing after all; hatred was better than hurt, and it helped motivated one to get revenge - something else he had learned to accept, even embrace.

Revenge.

Something he still needed to perfect.

He plunged his hand into a bag of chocolate-coated pork rinds, chewing thoughtfully on the handful he'd grabbed only moments before. The hills were dark, save for the gentle glow emenating from the still-smouldering meteorite. Pokey stood with his back to it, pleased with the warmth and the way the dim light cast eerie shadows over the ground.

He had come here often since Giygas' defeat. During the day it was often packed with tourists, but by night his only company were the occasional nocturnal animal and his own thoughts. The hill gave a nice view of Onett, but most importantly, he could see Ness' house from here.

"Ness," Pokey spat contemptuously. He reached into the snack bag once again, and, finding it empty, tossed it aside and let the breeze carry it off.

"Ness. Ness, Ness..."

_Ness Ness Ness Ness Ness Ness Ness..._

A shiver ran down the boy's spine at the memory. Even watching Giygas from safety had been absolutely terrifying.

He scowled and kicked at a pebble. "Some cosmic destroyer. Couldn't even beat some weak kids. We... _I_ was going to rule the world!"

"You still can..."

The voice was so close and so sudden, Pokey's heard skipped a beat. He spun on his heel and looked about wildly.

"Who's there?!"

"You can still rule... And you will..."

There was something familiar about the voice. It was almost as though someone was trying to mimic his voice, but at the same time it sounded like it belonged to someone far older. He still couldn't see a source.

"Come closer... Pokey..." The voice rasped. It sounded like it was coming from the meteorite. Pokey took a few tentative steps closer.

"You'd better not be that bee again."

"No... Buzzbuzz was my doing, yes... but I am not him."

"Your doing?" He crossed his arms, eyes glaring through his unruly mop of hair. "Your stupid bug ruined everything! It would've gone smoother if Ness never found out about Giygas."

"You would not have found out either... You would have suffered the same fate as the rest of the world..." The voice took on a somewhat taunting tone. "I have ensured that you will rule, boy... With Giygas out of the way, you do not have to share your power... you cannot be betrayed again..."

"Yeah? Why should I trust you? You could betray me too."

There was a weak noise almost like laughter, but it was shortlived. "You can trust me... as much as you can trust yourself. You will rule," the voice repeated, a little louder. "Not only this world, but many..."

"How?!" Pokey clenched his fists at his sides, nearly squirming with impatience. "Cut the cryptic crap and tell me!"

"Inter-dimensional travel..."

Pokey frowned. The Spider Mech could do that, but coming back to this place and time had caused it to break down. With the Starmen gone, he had nobody to fix it. "How am I supposed to do that?"

The meteorite's light dimmed for a moment, and a faint crashing noise was heard from the same area the voice had come from. He kicked a rock at the meteorite. "Hey! I'm still talking to you!"

"Andonuts," the voice hissed urgently. "He will have what you need..."

The light flickered again, and extinguished. The wamrth quickly faded along with it, leaving Pokey in familiar darkness. Once again he was alone. He let out a deep breath and brough a hand to his head.

"I'd _better_ rule."


	2. HiHo, PiG mAn!

_"Say, Pokey... You think we're really all alone?"_

"What? ...Nobody'd bother comin' all the way out here."

"No! I meant in this whole universe."

"Oh yeah, like aliens and stuff like that?"

"Uh-huh. The universe is supposed to be huge. It'd be soo cool if there was other intelligent life out there!"

"It's hard enough finding intelligence here."

"Ha! What about dumb aliens then?"

"Well Ness, ol' buddy, I have to say in comparison to my own genius everything's pretty dumb."

"Oh... Gee. Does IQ even go into negatives?"

"Hey!"

"Ahaha! Just kidding!"

The small creatures made an assortment of strange noises as they ambled to and fro without any apparent direction. Their bulbous noses seemed to jiggle with every step they took, and every now and then their long whiskers would twitch rapidly as though they were sniffing something out. One Mr. Saturn caught a particularly foul odour and he rubbed his nose on the ground, DiNgInG his distress.

A foot swung out at the Mr. Saturn, and it bounced much like a soccer ball off one of the village's oddly-shaped homes. The others stopped what they were doing and watched as it rolled to a stop in the grass, and let out a very confused-sounding "ZoOm?"

It was only then that the round people had noticed that someone among them, while equally as round, did not quite fit in.

"ViSiToR! Hi-Ho, PiG mAn!"

"Shut up," Pokey sneered, shaking one overly friendly Mr. Saturn off his leg. "Tell me where the scientist is. Andy-whatsit. Some rat in Winters said he was here."

"DoNuT dOcToR aNd DoNuT bOy?" A Mr. Saturn bounced from foot to foot. "ThEy In SaTuRn VaLlEy! YoU zOoM fOlLoW!" It turned and, with a cheerful whistle, plodded off.

There was something familiar about the creatures, Pokey decided. They reminded him of Happy-Happy Village, for reasons he wasn't sure of. Didn't he catch a glimpse of something similar during his time there? Whatever it had really been, it was much faster than the thing he followed now. He clenched and unclenched his fists to distract himself from punting it again.

As they rounded a small hill, the sun glinted off something metal. Pokey brought a hand up to shield his eyes so he could get a better look at it. He made a small strangled noise as he realized he was standing before a huge silver replica of one of the Mr. Saturns.

"Are you _serious._"

"Quite a piece of work, isn't it?"

Standing to the side of the statue was a bespectacled old man, gazing fondly at it. What got Pokey's attention most was the box of baked goods he carried. An_donuts._ Of course...

"Yeah... What is it?"

"This, m'boy?" Dr. Andonuts patted the shiny surface with his free hand. "The Phase Distorter II. Built it myself, with the help of these Saturns. Junior's helping this time around, too."

Pokey pursed his lips to one side, shoving his hands in his pockets. "What's it do?"

"Well, the first one was built to go through space and time so my son and his friends could go on some wild adventure to save the world from aliens." The man chuckled to himself. "This time we're going to see just what else the technology's capable of."

Pokey tore his gaze away from the donuts to study the machine. _Andonuts... He will have what you need..._

"By the by, I don't think we've met. I'm Dr. Andonuts. And you are?"

"Pokey Minch," he mumbled distractedly.

"Pokey? That rings a bell..."

Pokey narrowed his eyes dangerously, but Andonuts failed to see it through the boy's unruly hair.

"You must be one of Jeff's school friends... Care for a donut?"

Pokey grabbed one - chocolate glazed - without hesitation and bit half of it right off. He waved the donut at the Phase Distorter II impatiently. "How's that thing work, anyway?"

"Oh, it's really quite simple. Anyone could use it." The doctor pressed a small button on the machine's side, motioning for Pokey to step back as the outer wall slid down to form a ramp. He scurried up and waited for Pokey to follow.

The inside looked bigger than Pokey would have given it credit for. The curved walls were covered in an assortment of flashing lights and buttons, just like something out of an old sci-fi movie. On one end of the chamber there was a small panel with a few more gadgets.

"Most of this is just for show," Dr. Andonuts went on, grinning to himself. "Wiring lighting circuits is just too fun! These are the only things that really do anything." He made a sweeping gesture over the control panel. "The dial should affect the different realities and dimensions-- the _idea_ is that the more you turn it the further you get from this reality, and over here you'd input the date you wish to visit... Start button, emergency stop button, self-destruct button-- it's a must-have! Now over here is a very nifty toilet installation, just in case..."

"Dad, we're back!"

"Ah, that's Jeff now. I hope he picked up those spigots."

Pokey took in a sharp breath as he glanced outside. He knew that voice. Coming around the hill, along with a gaggle of Mr. Saturns, were two boys: one with a hat, whom Pokey didn't recognize or care for; but the blond one with the thick glasses sparked a bitter hatred in Pokey. The boy with the gun.

One of _them._

The recognition was mutual, as Jeff struck up an unusually aggressive stance the minute he saw Pokey. "You!"

"You're too late, Four-Eyes!" Pokey growled and grabbed Dr. Andonuts by the labcoat, snatched the box of donuts, and shoved him out of the Phase Distorter. The old man was taken by surprise and tumbled down on top of his son. Taking advantage of the distraction, Pokey turned and slammed his hands on the control panel.

The door slid closed with a mechanical whirr, and the last thing he heard was the sound of a gun firing.


	3. All Is Devastation

_september 15 198X  
Pokey Minch_

_What I want to be when I grow up  
by Pokey_

_  
What I want to be when I grow up is the mayor because it looks easy because all you have to do is sit around and make other peeple do the work for you. Dad thinks I shuld be a bisness man like him but he always says that Nesss dad takes all his money away. So being Nesss dad is even better then being a bisnessman. If Ness was my son he would get more spankings because him and his sister are undisiplinned. I think I would be a very good mayor.I would change the rules so that kids dont have to go to scool and do stupid homework like this. And there would be free ice cream. And thats what I will do when I grow up._

It felt like the Phase Distorter was spinning. Pokey alternated between being pinned to the walls and being bounced off them like a racquet ball. He thrashed about desperately, and eventually managed to get close enough to the control panel to hit the emergency stop button. The machine gave a final lurch, as did Pokey's stomach, and it came to a shaky halt.

"Damn it," he groaned, wrapping his arms around himself miserably. If this was going to happen every time he time-traveled, he hoped he'd managed to land himself in some paradise so he wouldn't need to go through that again. But hadn't Ness and his stupid friends used something like this to reach Giygas? They seemed fine...

They had also been robots at the time, he realized, scowling. Now he knew what that was all about-- machines had no stomachs to make queasy.

Pokey tentatively put his hand over the inside latch, making sure he wasn't going to be sick before he opened the door. Puking was no way to greet your loyal subjects.

He seemed fine enough. He took a breath and pulled at the latch, and watched impatiently as the wall slid down again. He couldn't wait to see this new world. _His_ world.

It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the outside light, but once he was able to see his surroundings he made a small noise of distress.

All was devastation.

What may have been a city once was now reduced to rubble, a few bent steel beams the only evidence of there having been buildings at all. The air was filled with a thick smog, and the once-blue sky was a dusty orange colour. It was impossible to tell if it was night or day, if those even mattered anymore.

This couldn't be right.

The ruined city wasn't completely deserted; here and there a few filthy, half-starved people wandered aimlessly. Pokey waved at the closest, a scrawny child seemed busy trying to assess the value of the Phase Distorter.

"Hey, kid!"

Startled, the child looked up. Its face was caked with dirt, making its gender indistinguishable; however, when it spoke it sounded most like a girl.

"Please go away," she said quietly, balling her tiny fists at her sides. "Don't make them come back here."

Who did this kid think she was, telling him to go away? He just got here! Not that he particularly _wanted_ to stay in a dump like this. Pokey hopped down the ramp and grabbed the child's shoulder none-too-gently.

"Where is here, and what the hell happened?"

The girl said nothing, staring up at him with deep blue eyes. Lifeless and sunken in as they were, they made Pokey feel somehow violated.

She struggled weakly, but Pokey maintained his grip. "I'll let you go if you stop being a little brat! Talk!"

"Leave her alone!"

A bony hand slapped his away from the child, and Pokey found himself looking into the face of a woman who couldn't have been much older than his own mother, although this one's youth probably wasn't from Botox. The child hid behind the woman and clung to the skirt of her tattered red dress.

Pokey sneered at the woman and rubbed his sore hand. "Well ex_cuuuse_ me, princess. Maybe if someone would tell me what's going--"

"You're Pokey Minch," the woman interrupted, bewilderment creeping over her face. She reached out to touch the boy again, but he flinched away. "But how did you become so..." She trailed off, and her awe was quickly replaced by anger. "Has Giygas sent you to tempt us with some kind of eternal youth potion? What a laugh! Like anyone would willingly live any longer than they have to in a place like this!"

Pokey furrowed his brow in confusion. "What? Giygas was destroyed-- I watched him die!" He peered around at the chaos around him. A few more people had gained interest in the conversation and were trying to subtly move their scavenging operations closer.

"It's the fat one!" Someone shouted. Others joined in.

"Is he alone?"

"Send him off before his lackeys come!"

"Kill him!"

"What!?" Pokey took a step back up the ramp, one arm held out defensively. "You can't kill me! You'll... mess up the timeline!"

The mob moved closer.

"No, really! This thing here, it's a time machine! A... space _and_ time machine! I'm from the past! The better past!" He could feel a bead of sweat run down the back of his neck. "Giygas is dead, really!"

The woman studied Pokey for a moment, then turned to face the crowd. "He's telling the truth! Unbelievable as it is... I saw it in his heart."

The others reluctantly lowered their fists and makeshift weapons. "Miss Paula..."

"Whoa," Pokey did a double-take. "_You're_ Paula?"

The woman ignored Pokey and knelt next to the dirty child. "Are you okay, sweetie?" At a nod from the girl, Paula turned her head to the rest of the crowd, "Pokey-- _this_ Pokey-- might be what we've been waiting for. His machine, his alternate universe..."

"Like the dream, Miss Paula?"

"Exactly." She fondly stroked the child's hair.

How sweet.

How _sickening._

Pokey crossed his arms stubbornly, frowning at the group. "Hey! Who said anything about me rescuing you? I came here on accident!"

The group raised their weapons again. Pokey grimaced. "Okay, okay... Maybe we could squeeze you all in after all..." He would need followers if he was going to end up ruling the world. Even a rag-tag bunch of hobos was a start.

A quiet cheering started up. In a heart-warming display of relief, everyone threw their arms around eachother and let tears of joy run freely down their face. Pokey felt like he was going to be sick again.

Nobody noticed the horsefly dart into the Phase Distorter.

"Cut the dramatic stuff," Pokey growled, rolling his eyes. "Let's just get this over with!"

Pokey felt the ramp move beneath his feet. Startled, he jumped off, and watched it fold up and close against the machine.

With him still outside.

"Hey!" He banged his fist against the Phase Distorter in desperation. "Don't malfunction, you piece of crap!"

There was a flash of light, and a sound like thunder as air rushed to fill the space where the machine had once been. Pokey looked around wildly, but it was nowhere to be seen. He grit his teeth and turned to face his would-be servants.

"Well, shit."


End file.
